Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
