Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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