I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
