I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
