I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
