My cat gives me a boner
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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