I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
