Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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