Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
