I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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