Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
