I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
