my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
