do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
