so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
