beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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