If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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