from now on my penis is your penis
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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