i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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