i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
