you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
