I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
