It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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