Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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