Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
