i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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