remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
