At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
