was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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