this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
