Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well I just put wine in my tea
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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