Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
