Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
