just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
