my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
