You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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