She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
