if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
