I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
