Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drunk is a universal language darling
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