Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
