I'm going to jail i love you
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
