I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
