I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
