I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
