I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
