I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Found your dick twin last night
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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