Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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