If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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