I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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