My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
