So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
