I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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